Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
