my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
God I need to hump something, right now.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
