Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
