I can tuck mytits in my pants
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
