he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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