She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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