somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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