This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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