when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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