i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
my being single is dangerous.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I just blew my weed a kiss
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
