I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Randomize
