Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
