My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
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Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
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Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
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