last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
