M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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