im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
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Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
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So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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