If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
