The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Randomize
