Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
