Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
