Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
