I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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