I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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