I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
There's always time for handjobs
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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