He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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