I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
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I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
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So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
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