There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
