I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
