If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
