Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Randomize
