Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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