I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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