i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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