she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
