every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Drake has all the answers
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
