woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
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