my phone needs a breathalizer
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
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