Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
