I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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