Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I faked an abortion last night.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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