WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
