I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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