I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
