i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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