you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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