u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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