my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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