finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
