i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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