it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
