EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
