I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
