I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I think my vagina is haunted
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
