i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Still dying that you shit outside
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Randomize
