I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Blood and glitter go together right?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
